Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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