Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
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This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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