Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
pop tarts are not kleenex
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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