I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
