im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
