I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
