I think I won the penis lottery.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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