foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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