there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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