I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Bring me that man meat
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
