he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
