his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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