I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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