when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
