people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
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Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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