I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
