i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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