I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
