They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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