Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
