Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
