I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
