Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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