took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
