At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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