I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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