How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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