Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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