Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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