He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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