made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
