six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize