I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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