I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
