I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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