no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
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also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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