we have pet lesbian snakes
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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