I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
