Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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