It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
