Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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