That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
