did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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