Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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