It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
