so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
