So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
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