Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
