I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
do nipples grow back?
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