Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we're making bets on your personal life
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that