True but thats because hes a fetus.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
birth control should be required to get into college
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.