Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
