happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
