All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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